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WELSH ISP SURVEILLANCE TERMINAL

MONITORING TARGET: HARRISON "HAZZEH" // LOCATION: DEEP RURAL WALES // CLEARANCE: OMEGA RED

TRACKING ACTIVE
⚠ CURRENT CONNECTION STATUS
CATASTROPHIC
ISP: Welsh Valley Broadband Ltd.
PLAN: "Premium" (LOL)
DOWNLOAD: 0.3 Kbps
UPLOAD: Negative
PING: 6,742ms
PACKET LOSS: 94.7%
THREAT LEVEL: WELSH
■ REAL-TIME PING ANALYSIS // TARGET: HAZZEH
▮ DIAGNOSTICS LOG // LIVE INTERCEPT 0 entries

█ WELSH ISP SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM v6.6.6

█ Initialising rural broadband intercept...

█ Locking onto Harrison's pitiful connection...

█ Signal found. Quality: ABYSMAL

█ Beginning live diagnostic capture...

 

◎ NETWORK INFRASTRUCTURE ASSESSMENT
◉
PRIMARY CABLE
Damp string (frayed)
◉
BACKUP CABLE
Slightly less damp string
◉
ROUTER MODEL
BT HomeHub (circa 2004, taped together)
◉
NEAREST EXCHANGE
47km away (in a shed)
◉
FIBRE OPTIC ETA
2087 (optimistic)
◉
SIGNAL OBSTRUCTIONS
14 sheep, 3 hills, persistent drizzle